:: 1.41421356237 ::

:: Monday, July 21, 2003 ::

i don't wnat pj to leave

:: sqroot2 7/21/2003 11:10:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i just read my last few posts and i feel sick that i wrote them. i dont know why. i hate blogging and i have hated it for a while but there is no place like it to vent, to scream like i do in teh car with the windows closed. i hate it, but what is hate to me for one who hates so much now

i thought i knew who i wanted, but that's all over now. i thought i knew what i wanted, but it wouldn't come to me. im so horribly lost, so empty, for no good reasons either...i don't have a tragedy with which to justify my feelings or anthing like that, i thouht i saw something with her but there was nothing, and after she told me that i felt so empty, so deflated, powerless and just simply fucking sad...standing there talkingto a friend, casually checking my email and seeing hers there, reading the first line I'm really sorry...and still talking, smiling, a seed growing inside me and when the friend left i just sat down, sank into my chair, sliding deeper down as each message came as if i were ashamed to talk to anyone in any fashion because i felt so wretched, at once so foolish and pathetic, really mourning not for that but for the now blatant truth of what she told me really could not be, and could not ever happen, taht which i wanted since the first day i met her eight and a half months ago.........

:: sqroot2 7/10/2003 02:44:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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