:: 1.41421356237 ::

:: Tuesday, January 29, 2002 ::

hotmail has been rather spammy lately and my account size has been over the limit a few times, so if you do wish to reach me by email, sqroot3@yahoo.com works fine. that is a 3, not a 2, because someone already has sqroot2.

:: sqroot2 1/29/2002 07:21:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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well, i guess i haven't really been online or been blogging for the past few weeks. now's time for a disclaimer, i guess, or maybe just an explanation.

for me, blogging started with quang, very roughly, and ended with vicky, roughly. maybe i don't have as much to mope about once i've gotten out of a relationship. blogging was a way to vent my frustrations, complaints, whatever else you have.

i haven't been checking other people's blogs, either. i know it's great literature that i'm missing, so thank you all for having provided me with entertainment and food for thought. i'm not too cut up over not reading blogs, though, because there's a sea of literature out there that i have yet to dabble in. working on herzog right now, actually, herzog, by saul bellow. i like it; i'll just read it at a leisurely pace.

i rarely see vicky at school now, even less than i did before. partly it's because of the fact that i consciously avoid her between first and second period. i don't know what to say to her. no more seconds snatched off the passing period to stare at her; it doesn't matter now. if anyone wants to respond to my post and wants me to read it (which i assume won't be any) then email me.

maybe you'd say that i lost part of myself when, over a month ago, vicky told me that she broke us up. you can't call anymore, you know. right? that one line. and others, from replies to my hurried, desperate emails, burned into my mind. three or four blank replies, acknowledgements that she'd received my emails. those scarred my mind too. i remember all these things...

and then i remember what--times when i was jealous over matt working with her on wright stuff? shit, that was a long time ago. other times when i was jealous, pardon me now, ex post facto, vicky, for my jealousy. blogging became a way for me to express this jealousy and any discontents, however internal, that i had with our relationship.

as i type now, i can't feel like i want vicky and me back. well, no shit i'd want us back, but not every part of our relationship. take the good back, and leave the bad? nothing works that way, ever will. there were times today, though, that i wanted us back. the good with the bad. my emotions are fleeting more often than not.

vicky, i still don't know if i understand why you chose what you did, other than the fact that you wanted to build your fences. you have to read fences, really.

aim was a way of communicating with vicky. oh well, no need for that anymore. i barely talked to anyone else online besides vicky...save a few people like los al linda, quite an amiable person, and stephanie, my tutoree, and...not too many else pop up off the top of my head.

oh, one point that i wanted to address--future or love? i'd choose love. fucking idealist, thank you, that i am *takes a bow*. why? i don't know when i'm going to die. why plan for the future if you have other, better things to think about? love. all the way. i just imagined yesterday before i went to bed that drowning to death would be horrible. good god.

aarti asked, i think leslie too: do i have a thing for molly? your sister, matt. hahahaha. funny bedfellows, aarti and leslie. why the heck does it matter if i do? if i do? if i don't? if i'm not sure? there's your trichotomy; flip a three-sided coin and choose the one that you think is true. i think it's funny that they even asked me. it was just fun to kid around with tim, though, in retrospect, i may have carried that too far. no regrets, though, just as i had no regrets today calling mahdi a goddamn asshole in the middle of telling mr. bevans the method of finding the angle between two vectors.

but back to molly, and whoever else people may think i will like in the future. how do i just go from vicky, and start liking someone else? do you really rationally think that i am so...fickle, is that the word to use? what, end a relationship, oh well, that was just a fling, who's next in line? well, maybe i do think like that. however, it's presumptuous for anyone besides myself to assume that. maybe i will move on in the world of relationships, maybe i won't for the rest of my high school tenure.


i am not sure if i addressed everything that i wished to address, but if i hadn't, i will blog later.

don't expect too very much on this blog now, to whoever's checking after my hiatus. mostly music from now on, i expect, sporadically at best. physics and comp sci beckon. bye.

:: sqroot2 1/22/2002 04:24:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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blogger wasn't working this morning at about 9:30...well, i was going to type a statement about blogging and the internet, but that will wait. blogging is so foreign to me now.

:: sqroot2 1/22/2002 12:54:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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back at school, finished comp sci lab. that was fun. triple-nested for loops to find pythagorean triples. you code it, cpu does it. computers are amazing, aren't they?

wish i could've slept for longer this morning! not fun. want to go home, sleep, and read, and play piano. oh well, there's the rest of school to get through.

:: sqroot2 1/07/2002 08:47:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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argentina's just crazy. now i remember i wanted to say that.

comp sci was fun. :P programming really is quite interesting if you haven't done it in a while.

finished foucault's pendulum yesterday. quite a good read.

:: sqroot2 1/06/2002 12:07:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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wow, long time no blog. or use the computer, for that matter. on old computer now because it has [the pirated version of] microsoft visual c++ which i need for comp sci hw. :P

can't remember wanting to address what. past few nights have sort of passed by timelessly, because i've been reading so much. the executioner's song, foucault's pendulum, a farewell to arms. want to read want to read want to read...so many books, so little time...

:: sqroot2 1/05/2002 09:17:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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ooh--went to library book sale yesterday, and saw harlot's ghost, by norman mailer--the book that i bought for peter for christmas! so i bought it...it was 5 bucks, expensive for the book sale. and when i go home i open the book up and see that it's a first edition copy--and opposite of that page is written, "For Doug/by way of Kathleen/Cheers" and then signed Norman Mailer.

isn't that cool?? i bought an autographed first edition of the book! :D i thought it was pretty neat. going back today.

oh, also got (on lp, of course) tchaikovsky's piano concerto no. 1 with andrei gavrilov, a recording that i've heard many praises about but haven't seen on the market. wheeeee! book sale yesterday was cool. laser trek gypped us of our money, though.

was starting to reread great gatsby--i bought that and this side of paradise at the book sale, too. there was this one passage near the beginning of the novel that just made me grin. it was great! i'll put it on here sometime...

:: sqroot2 1/04/2002 11:26:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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you know, blogs of people whom you know are some of the best literature available on the web. i don't surf much now, never did--blogs are fun to read. especially when you're in the mood.

trio practice with sungmin and josh [braun] today...debussy's first trio, last movement--it's really a great piece. it goes through my mind, over and over again...ah, that's enough music

i feel rather philosophical these days, but it doesn't show on my blog. just a bunch of misplaced thoughts.

meant to blog for longer..


:: sqroot2 1/02/2002 09:35:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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and btw, rachmaninoff spelled his name that way when he used English. actually Rachmaninoff. but not with a v at the end. just found that on a site.

:: sqroot2 1/02/2002 01:54:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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sorry about all the music. i blog about music because i like it and i like to pontificate about it.

anyway, i forgot to mention maurizio pollini's recording of brahms's two piano concertos, which i bought yesterday? day before? around there. pollini won the international chopin competition in 1960. consensus is that his playing is often rather steely in tone and not given to much poetry--but he seems to have some divine drive or force behind him that keeps him calmly sensible in his music. his polonaises of chopin are so rhythmical, so precise. that's the force i'm talking about.

at any rate, his technique is stunning. it always was. i have his recordings of chopin's 24 preludes--amazing. whoosh. a technique to be envied. it shows in the brahms. brahms's music has a certain weightiness to it--that, and it seems like brahms loves putting two beats against three. brahms is heavy, forceful, and even didactic, to a small degree. and his second concerto in b-flat, op. 83, is the epitome of majestic music--throw away your emperor concerto (beethoven no. 5, sorry ioana), if you will, for brahms's second rules. will analyze that/blog on that sometime, so get your pjs and pillow ready in front of the computer :P

pollini reminds me of myself. my piano and cello teachers say that i have to work on expression now, not necessarily technique. blah. no matter what, i try to express myself through my music; maybe i just don't play to the old school or perhaps i have my own quirky views.

still, i don't keep a cool head when performing. that's when stops fly, and i go nuts. my accompanist's one-liner after my piano recital: "that was fast!" :D

:: sqroot2 1/02/2002 01:12:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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happy new year, everybody!

:: sqroot2 1/01/2002 12:23:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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