:: 1.41421356237 ::

:: Monday, December 31, 2001 ::

the 10 most recently updated blogs isn't giving me anything new. weird... o_O

oh, and i guess beethoven was deaf while writing his last four sonatas. even more amazing!

:: sqroot2 12/31/2001 04:16:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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went to griffith observatory today, but more on that later, if any.

more important--bought wilhelm kempff's recording of beethoven's late sonatas, his last six--nos. 27-32. interesting. never heard the pieces before, but they're supposed to be a pinnacle of pianistic composition. i'm only starting to get used to it.

can you believe that beethoven composed his op. 111, the sonata no. 32, when he was already deaf?

that's amazing.

:: sqroot2 12/31/2001 01:41:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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went to mall and tapioca express again with sister, fun.

been thinking about rachmaninoff's third concerto in d minor, op. 30, recently. i remember i once analyzed the first movement but didn't get around to the second or third movements. well, here's the analysis of the second movement.

i like analyzing music because it keeps my mind pleasantly busy.

rachmaninoff composed this concerto to dazzle american audiences; the initial reaction by american critics was that the piece was too long.

the second movement contains some o the most beautiful music in the concerto. on the whole, it's a sorrowful lament. its power lies in the firm caresses of the melodies and piano writing. the expressiveness must be extracted from chords and notes that seem better suited to fast, brutal music.

the second movement is titled "intermezzo" and has a tempo marking of adagio. it begins in the key of f-sharp minor with a two-odd minute long orchestra introduction of the themes of the second movement. the solo piano enters almost blusteringly; the right hand seems to fumble with the f-sharp minor theme; the orchestra seems to lose interest and drops out, leaving the solo piano alone to find its own meaning and sense in jumble of notes. the solo piano reaches a resolution finally in the key of d-flat major; it then states the main theme in the new key at a dynamic level of forte.

the theme ends, and the orchestra enters, accompanying the piano during a small bridge passage that ends with a mini-cadenza for the piano. then the piano launches alone into the same d-flat major theme but this time at fortissimo. again the orchestra joins it during an analogous bridge passage that once again ends in a mini-cadenza, leading to the second theme of the second movement.

some have said that this movement is like a theme and variations. i beg to differ; there certainly is one theme, but the variations, if you call them that, are hardly variations--they are neither true transformations of the theme nor are they modulations on keys or harmonies.

the piano launches into the second theme over the orchestra's chordal/choirlike accompaniment. this theme ends in yet another mini-cadenza, and the piano goes on to restate the main theme in extended form. this restatement ends in a bridge passage to the f-sharp minor coda of the second movement--which is a slightly warped second theme taken at breakneck speed by the piano, over delicate orchestra accompaniment. this coda ends with a rumination over the main themes of the moevment, and the piano drops out, leaving the orchestra to do its thing, a passage very similar to the opening of the movement.

the bridge section between the second and third movements of the concerto begins when the piano abruptly breaks the orchestra's pensive melodies. the passage is in d minor, the main key of the concerto. the tempo marking of the bridge passage is "l'istesso tempo", meaning the same tempo as previous. the bridge passage is a cadenza for the solo piano, chordal in quality and quite dazzling to listen to. the orchestra joins the piano at the climax of the passage, and the third movement begins without a pause.

when you're listening to a recording of the second movement, there really is a lot to look for. mainly, two things: number one--expressiveness, including tone quality and dynamics, as well as shaping of the melodies. number two--balance between orchestra and soloist. this is often a question of technical recording quality.

i like arcadi volodos's recording for the first part of the second movement. he really seems to find his own meaning in the entry of the solo piano part; other pianists seem to be blindly touching notes and not making any sense of what they're playing. that's one of the most challenging parts of the movement--finding a sense in the piano entrance.

:: sqroot2 12/29/2001 07:19:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i can't blog with people walking into the study every few minutes. it's impossible to think. broken thoughts, incomplete sentences...gaaaaaaah.

i haven't been using the computer to any great degree since last friday. everything seems neat--clicking with the mouse, typing with the keyboard. ahh, it's probably just me.

not thinking very coherently...i just need to understand.

:: sqroot2 12/29/2001 02:30:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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back from ski trip...peter's dad and peter sort of taught me how to ski and i went by that for three days. fell a gazillion times the first day, about three the second, and none the third. nothing to be proud of, though, 'cause i went on easy/easy-intermediate runs. my fingers are all fucked up, though. same with ankles.

not performing the liszt concerto till the spring, early june. orchestra can't pull it together.

oh, no snowball fight either. grace refused to participate in any anyway...watched fight club the second night. second time for me, and it makes a lot more sense the second time around. anyway.

:: sqroot2 12/28/2001 11:06:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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watching pearl harbor; off to sleep as soon as it's done. vicky, i wish you were going on the ski trip, i don't know what else to say, i'm sorry.

:: sqroot2 12/25/2001 08:48:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i'm winnie-the-pooh...i have a big stuffed pooh, at any rate

:: sqroot2 12/25/2001 04:11:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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funky how blogger changed pws to "1" for lotsa ppl, it seems...

:: sqroot2 12/25/2001 02:50:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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off to work in 5, and then off to las vegas at 5. so...nothing new for the rest of today and the next two days.

ooh--got definite word from caltech. not deferred! woohoo!

:: sqroot2 12/21/2001 03:20:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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one of the people on the classical pianists mailing list is rather sexist--or just opinionated, and i don't agree with his opinion.

"Piano playing is extremely physical; it will always be a man's world. I mean this in a friendly way, but let's get real about this. I've heard that agents would prefer to ignore female artists. Why even try."

how wrong he is.

:: sqroot2 12/20/2001 08:46:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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ooh--i want to hear from caltech, but meanwhile go leslie!

:: sqroot2 12/20/2001 12:42:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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sometimes like now it's late at night, and i want to talk casually just to get some stuff out of my system...blogging doesn't work, and there's no PU. selena pops to mind, memories.......

:: sqroot2 12/20/2001 12:38:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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you really have to hand it to the people on the yahoo classical-pianists mailing list. they practically email-bomb me each day. from 8:30 this morning to 3:00 this afternoon--a hundred-sixty-odd messages. i'm just a lurker, and i read the emails when i want. usually they all go into the trash :D

:: sqroot2 12/19/2001 11:33:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i'm sergei prokofieff, and when i contrived the answers to get rachmaninoff, it worked...

:: sqroot2 12/19/2001 01:43:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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vicky, in response to your post 12/18, 11:03 PM:

i'm sorry that i kept my mom's opinion outside of the picture. why did i do it? first--and i told you this--because i didn't want it to hurt our relationship more than it already was. it was my mom's opinion that kept us from seeing the score and les mis. she wanted to keep us apart too--just like your mother, but for different reasons. she thought that any relationship would keep me from my studies, and distract me. i used to ask her why she didn't blame piano playing instead of girls. no coherent answer. and keep me away from my studies? i can show her my report card and laugh in her face--i did.
why else didn't i tell you her opinion? to me it didn't matter what my mom thought of my actions, of any high school relationship, or of you. i live first for myself; what my mom thinks doesn't come into my life as my main priority, or my second, or even my third. insert ordinal number here. specifically, her opinion of you meant nothing to me, because i know you infinitely better than she does. taking her views at their face value would be analogous to asking me about popular music--and believing and accepting every word that i say. her opinion of much of what i've done in life hasn't mattered much to me. maybe i was born to be a fucking berkeley individualistic hobo. or something along those lines; i like the berkeley area and i'm not meaning to lambast it.

and vicky, know that my mom's blaming me, not you, for much of what happened. she doesn't even know all of what happened between us--she has but a murky picture!!, and she's blaming me, and blaming you. i'm apologizing for her again, like i've done before--not in the sense that i forgive her or accept her, but in the sense that someone has to be sorry for what she did. i am. deeply.

:: sqroot2 12/18/2001 11:38:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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and i don't understand why vicky isn't communicating to me. vicky, i hope you read this. can't you see that i don't understand and that i want to?

:: sqroot2 12/18/2001 07:07:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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supposed to tutor whenever my student arrives--she's late. i guess it's a good thing, because it keeps my mind off other matters. still, i'd rather tutor stephanie, a 6th grader, yesterday's student, because she always cheers me up. i guess i need some cheering up now.

hopefully, will finish off christmas shopping after tutoring. and then to get boba and spicy chicken with sister...!

:: sqroot2 12/18/2001 07:03:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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vicky, you have to tell me why you ended this. you have to.

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 09:41:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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vicky, don't do this to me! you know how much i'm hurting, you know i want you back--please don't do this to me. i'm miserable, i half-cried front of grace and josh, mrs. stamper, matt and leslie, and it's pretty hard to make me cry. guys, don't you see how much this relationship meant? i want to play god, so that i can make everything work out.

vicky, who can tell you how much i want us back, all that we shared? i don't know if you know. you haven't given me a chance to talk to you about your decision. you can't do this to me! please! VICKY!!!!!! don't do this to me, because i love you and i want you back!!

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 05:26:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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--i wrote this email to vicky.--

vicky, and what about my parents? i don't know what my mom's done before this. you can lambast them all you want, though. i don't appreciate what my mom did.

yes, i'm supposed to protect you. i have. i've kept my mom's opinions and acrid words out of the picture. i never once told you how she felt, wrong as it was and hurtful as it was. i swallowed it and didn't tell you. i tried to protect you, vicky, can you see? she drove away when i was on the phone with you yesterday--and i didnt' knoww here she was going. i couldn't protect you then, but i protected you up to that point. i'm still defending you in her eyes now, a day and a half after the whole thing. vicky, i'm sorry for not being able to protect you yesterday. but i did protect you up to now.

vicky, don't do this to me. please. if you want your revenge, get it another way. you dont' have to hurt ME!!! you know this is the one thing that can hurt me the most. i'm sorry if your mom's adamant about it. vicky, please don't do this. and don't make our friendship a cold, distant one. vicky! you know how much i love you, HOW CAN WE BE A DISTANT FRIENDSHIP? after all we've shared, loved...we're more than that. my mom doesnt' have to step into the picture anymore.

my mom's irrational, and i'm rationalizing for her actions. the SOLE purpose, according to her, to go to your house, was to inform your mom about what was happening based on what she read int he note. past that, i dont' know. at your place, her emotions probably took over. i'm apologizing for her, but i'm not saying that she was right. vicky, i want you back. you said that to waynn...don't hurt me like waynn hurt you. please.

vicky, how can i plead to you not to drop all that we had? please don't do this. it's not the easiest way; it's not the best. i haven't had a chance to talk to you about what you've decided. don't blame me for my mom!!!

regardless, i still love you. i just don't want you to do this to me.

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 04:55:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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"Cutting off the last few strands of connections, including deleting every single email." why does vicky have to do this? vicky, you're leaving so many questions unanswered. why are you doing this? i don't want to break off all connections with you, vicky; you know that. why? you have to tell me that. or formally end this, because as it is it isn't ended. what did i do wrong? how could i have been a better lover? you can't make such a big impact on somebody's life, and walk out of it. i tried to avoid you today, by whatever means possible. i guess it worked.

vicky, can't you give me back some of what i'm giving you? you know my love for you still exists, as much as i loathe what you've decided to do. the least you can do is explain it to me. so that it's ended. i never wanted to hurt you; we could have stepped back from where we were--but we, or you, didn't have to end it. a beautiful friendship--could still remain one. i want to know why you refused all that. a friendship hardly requires parents' consent. vicky, why are you doing this to me? i have no idea if you'll read my desperate questions.

why are you doing this to me? there are far easier ways to end a relationship, without going to this extreme. i got my stuff--and what do i have? a boxful, a pretty box full of memories and emotions.

i won't blame you, vicky, but i don't agree with what you did. i beg you--don't close off all communications until you've explained why you did this. i need to know. you never fully explained to me...

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 02:53:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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"without you" frames my feelings quite admirably.

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 12:29:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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and vicky, don't think for a moment that i ever thought of you for a moment the way that my mom does.

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 12:16:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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vicky, in response to what you wrote--

i know my mom is like that. i've been trying to convince her otherwise about you for heaven knows how long. that's what we mainly argued about. i didn't want to tell you, for fear of what has just happened. i couldn't stop her this time; i'm sorry that she did what she did, because it means grief for me.

i know i didn't keep as much away from my parents, for whatever reasons. during the summer when we went to science bowl, you could leave the house and walk with me, and your parents wouldn't know. my mom had to take me to your place, or close. when i met you after aerospace your parents didn't know. but my parents had to; i can't very well leave on a bike and be gone for forty minutes and say that i went to rite aid or pavilions. implausible.

why are you so cold in your email? no warmth, no sign of the love we once felt. i didn't tell you how my mom felt because i was afraid of it leading to unwanted consequences; it follows that her opinion of you should not kill us. i was afraid of that, deathly afraid, and now look--my fears are being realized.

i know that my mom shouldn't have said what she did. but she did it, and apologizing as profusely as i am, i still can't change what she said. are you throwing all that we have away, because of what my mom thinks? so she triumphs, a victory that i've been trying to suppress all this time, by the ending of our relationship?

i wanted more; i never got it; now everything's gone. i love you, vicky.

:: sqroot2 12/17/2001 12:14:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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why does this have to happen to me?

"It's over before it ever began, Kevin and I." it doesn't have to be, it must be, it shouldn't be...for all that i've put into it. emotions. heart. who controls this? this can't happen to me, for all that i felt...to someone else. not to me. no justification for it happening to me; perhaps even nobody deserves this. it's horrible! i'm miserable!

matt, i had peter translate the latin on your page. peter said it was aeneid book one, line 11. that works for me. good quote. fuck.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 10:20:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i can't do anything. i can't think.. i wonder what vicky's doing right now. i can't accept this, i'm crushed, i'm broken, i'm not who i was...like i said to matt and mrs. stamper, i'm going to be a different person tomorrow.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 10:13:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i typed this post at about 7:30, when blogger was down.

back from piano recital now; it was good. yeah, and all that shit.

i guess i can accept that vicky's gone. but i can't come to terms with the realization--every hour, every five minutes, however often it is i think about her. but we were supposed to wait! now i can't even talk to her. no communication in effect. none? and how do i even begin to accept that? no congratulations six months in the future that we've graduated high school, having known her for all four years of that tenure. as captain of the science bowl team, taking her contributions in a purely platonic, business-like manner. and really, what about all that we share, or perhaps the past tense would be more appropriate--shared?

she's moving her locker.

how can i bear not communicating with any one of my friends forever? any relationship broken off so suddenly must be painful. and in my case--not just anyone. vicky.

and what do i do? i guess i just do what i do...be. live. move on. she's going to be on the same campus as i for the next six months. and i won't be able to talk to her. who knows what will happen. will she hate me? does she hate me? can i wave to her, and expect a wave back?

and what about all the loose ends that are left--christmas presents. notes. emails. i have all of the formal pictures. the diary that she gave me last year for christmas, that's for right-brained people when you flip it one way and for left-brained people when you flip it the other. and then my store of memories, memories, memories...things that i can't throw away, that i can't burn, that i can't easily forget.

so tomorrow, say i wake up. the realization of yesterday's events...will make me want to keep on sleeping, never to wake up. too much pain. to have hoped, and wished, and waited for six months...and then have it all come to this.

i wonder if vicky will read my blog anymore.

vicky, i'm sorry for all that i have done. it's what little i can offer you now, being in the position that i am. do what you have to--forget about me. forget i exist, in the personal sense. i'll try to do the same, because that's at least what your parents want. i hope you read this, but i suppose i never will know if you have or not. never.

i want her back. ending in a fight would've been more desirable; parting before college would do. not this, not an abrupt break-up, not a race car slamming into a brick wall.

i suppose i'll be fine. give me six months, or nine to be on the safe side--when i'm off at college. seeing new people and new horizons. but six months later--at the end of the graduation ceremony, when the tassle is pulled from left to right, or is it right to left? and all the caps fly, and high school is finally over...can i look at her as a friend, or do i have to look as someone relegated forever to the past? can i talk to her then, or at grad nite, to say goodbye then--and really forever--to someone who once meant so much? or will she be dancing with someone else, and i with another girl, when i should be dancing with her?

how can it end like this? i'm crying all over again. i thought i stopped before the recital, but i guess i was wrong. and how do i begin to realize that i've lost her? and that my friends, matt and peter and tim and leslie and you put the name here, can talk to her, but i can't? not even at school, when her parents wouldn't know. vicky, i admire you for your willpower.

and how did i go from having so much yesterday, to having nothing today? not even her presence to comfort me when i need it--now. knowing that she's there, but not for me; breathing the same air, but seeing through me...

i think about lunch. will she go to mrs. stamper's room still, or is she going to find another place? if and when she shows up at stamper's, what do i do? stare at a girl whom i loved so much, see her talk to others, see her smile, laugh, eat her sandwich with too much lettuce and with crumbling bread, and stare, and stare, and stare........

we didn't even get to go to the getty, or the griffith park observatory.

i wanted so much for us, and now i have a mind full of memories, longing, nothingness...

and what i can't bear is that vicky's doing this almost voluntarily. i guess it must be in her best interests to do exactly what she's doing, what her parents want her to do, and i don't blame her for it. not for an instant, because it's the best for her. it's not for me, but then that's an issue i work out with myself. easily i love her so much that i'll wish the best for her, at my own cost.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 10:10:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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and all this love ended, because of a mom's rash actions and a thousand exchanged emails?

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 01:36:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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life is a frantic clicking game, refreshing my mailbox incessantly...

i don't know what's going to happen to me...what will i do to myself? o esmy bovlu nsvl///

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 01:03:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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and i can't call.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 12:26:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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what the fuck am i supposed to put on this blog? no more confessions from me.

vicky, i want/need to talk to you.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 12:25:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i don't know what i'm going to do.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 11:41:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i just finished talking to vicky...

why am i even here?

i think i'm going to curl up somewhere and cry and fall asleep somewhere along the way. like vicky?

vicky, i'm sorry...i just wonder why things can't be easier.

why won't my mom let us do stuff? why does her mom not want me to go after her? why does she have to care about us in public? why don't we have more classes together? why do we have different potential careers? why did i skip a grade, and meet her, and be relegated to wishing i had my license now? why can't we have more time? why is life being so hard?

i understand ts eliot's "i should have been a pair of ragged claws/scuttling across the floors of silent seas" better now.

those were not idle questions, my friends.

off to shower and sleep now. crying? may come, or i may just keep it inside. until it boils over again, and life spanks me hard in the ass.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 02:45:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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two people that i want to address--peter, and vicky. could you have guessed that the latter would be one of them?

peter, i wonder what it's like being you. you know where you're going to go to college--so what're you going to study? there must be some sense of finality about knowing that you're going to harvard. your future's set, at least for four years. i wonder how it feels.

second--i never expected vicky to factor into my decision for which school i'm going to. and then this relates to peter--it'd be cool if i knew where i was definitely going. as it is,...i thought i'd be going to wherever i wanted to, but now i realize that i don't know what i want to be. doctor doesn't sound too bad, does it? or engineer, for that matter. i don't care what i study, as long as i study something. i just wish i knew earlier what exactly. evaluation criteria for colleges--cost, vicky, proximity to home, weather, whim, not necessarily in that order. i don't care about college. i'd like to take a year off and concentrate on music--but then my good schoolboy conscience starts to pester me. what'd i do about my future? music isn't going to get me where i want to go, even though i want to do it. i'd be wasting a year, right?

fuck you.

:: sqroot2 12/16/2001 12:38:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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went to sports chalet today and accessorized myself, with matt's help, for skiing. ya know what i REALLY want? a punching bag. :D i was having fun trying them out...there's this one dinky one that must be for kids, because it really went boing when i punched it.

ooh, piano recital tomorrow...should be fun. ms. (mrs.? she's married, but i think she goes by ms.) chary promised good food :P

oh, got many ppls' christmas presents today. then went with sister to tapioca express, and got boba and calvin's suggested spicy chicken. the spicy chicken is good, except i can taste the msg in it. i think it's msg :D but heck, if it tastes good, anything goes. yum yum!

:: sqroot2 12/15/2001 10:33:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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at peter's house we smoked the farsight cheet. SMOKED--like 6:06 when limit was 7:27. peter did first two minutes or so of level and i finished it off :) whee. now he owes me psychosis gun for chicago!

i'm actually feeling really tired right now; i'm drifting off...leaden eyelids...science bowl tomorrow...want to read some more foucault's pendulum tonight.

my mom always says that she cares for me and loves me and wants the best for me, but the fact remains that she doesn't know what would be best for my happiness, my sanity, and my emotions.

...i just fell asleep for like a minute in front of the keyboard. time to shower, read, and go to sleep now...blah. my life is so horrible; i'm so emotionally unstable.

:: sqroot2 12/15/2001 01:48:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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feeling shitty...my feet are freezing. oh, i got ski gloves which are really warm, which i'll probably end up wearing to school, too... :D cold fingers are a musician's nightmare. i can't play anything well with cold fingers. you lose all sense of touch, and you have no idea of how the piano is responding to your touch. dexterity, i've realized, isn't so much the problem as tone production. you can't really get good finger feeling with cold fingers, and that leads to poor tone. playing the piano is a constant dialogue between keyboard and fingers.

i miss vicky...i can't think of anything else to say, or anything else comma for that matter.

:: sqroot2 12/14/2001 08:36:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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harvard decision deferred 'till the spring. ya know, i think i'll just keep mum if i get a definite decision from any college in the future, be it admitted or not. that way no shame, no glory...all for the better. i wish that they'd told me yes or no; so much less trouble. where am i going to go? cmon, mit and caltech coming on monday or soon around there. *shrug* i'm pretty much apathetic...are caltech and mit all that bad? i lost my train of thought...oh well. i'm almost at a juncture in my life...and i don't know what to do. usc doesn't sound bad at all except for 1) tuition and 2) housing problem. it's the single campus that i know the best, and it's relatively close to the dorothy chandler pavilion...and the new disney hall, whenever that comes out. man, no fair!!!!!!!! why don't good musicians come to LA?

i wish i had a server and cold fusion...then i'd be able to make my own commenting system. with some difficulty, granted, but it'd work...i think. i wonder if mike chen is still doing that cold fusion. mike?

now the london symphony orchestra webpage is freezing IE...link here. it's http://www.lso.co.uk/acatalog/LSO_Box_Office_Shop_Spring_2002___Page_3_13.html...scroll down to wednesday 27 march, 7.30 pm...mstislav rostropovich's 75th birthday gala concert. and then look at the performers--

Sir Colin Davis conductor
Martha Argerich piano
Yuri Bashmet viola
Mariss Jansons conductor
Evgeny Kissin piano
Gidon Kremer violin
Kurt Masur conductor
Seiji Ozawa conductor
Krzysztof Penderecki conductor
Maxim Vengerov violin

*sigh* why don't those ppl play in LA? not fair! i want to see the concert! damn. fuck, it's in LONDON!

...i think i'm just feeling murderous today. *sigh*...at least science bowl tomorrow, and you know why i want to go to science bowl. 14 hours now, or 13.5 hours till science bowl. yeah. *sigh* that's too long.

on a slightly brighter note, i almost finished sight-reading chopin's second scherzo today. on a bitter note, its coda is so long. crazy.

rubenstein's recording of rachmaninoff's second concerto is really rather rushed. that's why i don't like it very much...those were my reflections upon hearing it today.

:: sqroot2 12/14/2001 07:40:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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egh, now i wish i'd done blogback when it was still available... :P but you guys can't laugh in my face now because snorcomments doesn't work! hahahaha...

practice from 6:30 to 9:30 today for the christmas concert at st. paul's lutheran. (i'm not religious, it's an orchestra thing.) then at the end of the recital the conductor says that the PRACTICE starts at 2:45, not the actual concert; the concert starts at 4. but NO WAY can i go to the concert then! i have to perform in mrs. chary's recitals, once at the 3:00 recital, again at the 4:00, and then at the 5:00. i'm actually ending the recital :D, that is, i'm the last person playing in it. but yeah, impossible for me to play at st. paul's. *sigh* three hours today wasted! oh well, not much else to do...

i'm so tired. agh. my thighs are so sore...i don't know why. actually, i have a conjecture, but that's only a conjecture.

:: sqroot2 12/13/2001 10:50:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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must remember this link, for snorcomments seems to be down permanently.
http://testdotcomments.blogspot.com/

:: sqroot2 12/13/2001 08:48:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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physics episode: matt leans back in chair and stretches his arms. "showing off," he says with a grin--evidently showing off his privates and shaming me and any other marginally homosexual guy (actually include full-out homosexual too, because then vijay'd be included) who's staring at his groin. then, from me, "matt, your fly's unzipped." yeah matt! really showing off there! :D i wonder if leslie saw...*shakes head* anyway...!

:: sqroot2 12/12/2001 11:34:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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oh yes, and i have to read ender's game too; it wasn't on the list because i don't own it. :)

:: sqroot2 12/12/2001 11:27:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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hm, snorcomments is down...including the comments on the snorcomments site.

finally done with mission viejo resolutions! english essay on crime and punishment really didn't take as long as i expected it to. whoopee.

my dad and mom today were both pissed at me for spending too much time...on things other than school work. goddamit, won't they look at my grades...and use those an indication? i spend exactly how much time i need to get what i get, and that satisfies me. oh well, today was an interesting day... :)

//music section here
i'm listening to chopin's fourth scherzo as played by vladimir ashkenazy, former soviet pianist puppet. he'd play all that the government wanted him to play--romantic music and more romantic music. he's since defected/emigrated to iceland, and...listening to his chopin...oh, he must be one of the least paralleled chopin interpreters. the last track, chopin's third scherzo, i remembered as being less than exemplary, but...really, his playing style is different than argerich's, and no comparison can be made. he really is a very good chopin interpreter. i'm more and more convinced of that. he's also extrememly versatile--he plays everything and also conducts--but his chopin is ravishing. simply ravishing. a pure gem. and the fourth scherzo is so humorously, inhumanely beautiful!

:: sqroot2 12/12/2001 11:19:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i have added quite a few more links; therefore, i have chosen to rearchive my blog by month for easier viewing of and access to the links.

:: sqroot2 12/11/2001 10:28:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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spur of the moment decision: went to trader joe's with mom to buy chocolate truffles, which are really good. also picked up their triple ginger snaps and a hunk of manchego cheese... :D mmm.

i don't want this blog to be a diary blog, but much of what i put on here sounds like i did this, i did that. primarily, like i've said before, it's a reflection of my thoughts; it comprises my rants, opinions, complaints...the excesses of my emotions that i endeavor to mask in public. oh well. in a better mood today than average, yay! these days i'm so seldom happy and cheerful that one day with half that much seems...so unique and wonderful.

science bowl date has been moved, most of my readers know. so, back to the drawing board--though the team's pretty much decided already. i'm the president :D so i get a say! muhahahhaa...too bad matt can't be on the team. hm. and then leslie, does she want to be on the team again? oh well, i'm not worrying about science bowl one bit, until...well, until i have to study...hopefully that will be the week before the competition or something reasonable like that.

oh, what wanted i to address? oh, foucault's pendulum is suprisingly easy reading; it's not dense. granted, much of the stuff it talks about i'm just learning...hahaha. but seriously, the prose isn't dense. to me, mailer is a lot harder to read than eco. one thing--foucault's pendulum is a real hooker. i like it very much. 'course, that means that the executioner's song is going to have to wait a bit...i'm trying to divide my time up between those two books.

so a few days ago i just took a clipboard and a piece of paper and went around my room and the study listing the names of the book that i want to read that i own. stars after the book's title indicates that i have started the book. if you know [about] any of these books--please leave a comment. i want to know what you guys have to say...so that i may have a better sense of these books before i actually begin to read them. i've resolved to try to read as many as i can, reading one, two, or three simultaneously...

(in no particular order)
books that i want to reread:
Lolita *
King Lear
The Count of Monte Cristo
Invisible Man
Fountainhead (maybe...)

books that i want to read:
The Phantom of the Opera
The Naked and the Dead *
The Executioner's Song *
Herzog *
Juneteenth
Sophie's World *
Gulag Archipelago, I
Gulag Archipelago, II
Things Fall Apart *
Kafka: Stories and Parables
Foucault's Pendulum *
The Russia House *
Light in August *
Gorky Park
Don Quixote
Mythology (i want to know it better!)
The Human Condition
Thus Spake Zarathustra *
Notes from the Underground and The Double *
Catch-22 * (supposedly i "read" it last year, because i wrote an essay on it...but didn't finish the book :P)

as i am SURE you can see, i've started so many but never got around to finishing...in most cases, i lost the oh-it's-a-new-book! drive.

:: sqroot2 12/11/2001 10:21:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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applied to harvard early, so they're going to email me this friday. what do i say to people who ask? what if i didn't? what if i did? what if i get deferred? do i answer? will people look upon me as inferior, or pompous, or mediocre? agh. i don't think i'll ask anyone about college acceptances unless they're a really really close friend.

:: sqroot2 12/10/2001 08:56:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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...i read my last post, and didn't recognize it. weird.

agreeably liking foucault's pendulum--other than the fact that it's esoteric. umberto eco must be one smart sonofabitch. anyway, the book's quite addictive, unless you're stoned from lack of sleep like me at three this afternoon...

hm, i have to force myself to wait........wait.......patience is learned, is it not? when i want something, i want it right away--one of my cardinal sins. *sigh*...esperar dia por dia mas..

:: sqroot2 12/10/2001 07:12:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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the burglar light outside my house keeps on going on, and josh can't wait to go to college. fuck, man.

:: sqroot2 12/10/2001 01:38:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i want to fucking shoot myself

:: sqroot2 12/10/2001 12:37:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i keep on wondering if, and when, at some point, vicky's going to say that this shouldn't continue. i'm afraid of what answer i may get; that's why i've never straight-out asked her. i assume you'll read my question here, vicky...

and i'm applying to usc because if she gets into and goes to usc cinema-television, i want to go to the same school. i told her i came to that conclusion thursday-friday night, at like 1 in the morning...if nothing (barely anything) is working out now, could college be a break? and the other things is--i don't want to lose her to anybody and i don't want to be distracted by anybody else. tunnel vision perspective, eh? now do you get why i hate myself and call myself a selfish bastard? why can't this just work out now, and make college...so much easier, easier so that i may actually want to think about it? i imagine myself like marlon brandon in godfather, talking to the cosmeticist over the bullet-ridden body of his dead son, telling him to make the face and body...acceptable for his son's mom to see...shaking with grief...though mine is a self-imposed grief of another kind..........

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 11:11:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i keep on wondering if, and when, at some point, vicky's going to say that this shouldn't continue. i'm afraid of what answer i may get; that's why i've never straight-out asked her. i assume you'll read my question here, vicky...

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 10:48:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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ioana referred me to this link, about why the chicken crossed the road.
http://rocinante.colorado.edu/~wilms/recreation/chicken.html

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 09:12:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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where's vicky........i'm paranoid about calling her house, for what her mom thinks and what my mom thinks. see!?!?!?!?!?

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 12:01:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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seeds of discontent.

i was talking to vicky yesterday about what i put on my blog, and how much of us i put on. i don't know how much i want to put on, and why? because...i don't know what others will think. at least i know vicky's attitude now, but...i feel compelled to censor myself--just as i look for familiar faces in the halls during choppy moments between periods, eh?

here, you can have it all...what i've been complaining about all along since the inception of this blog. if you look back at vicky's archives, you'll see that she mentions my blog even before this blog, 1.41421356237, started. i had a blog back then, known to a few only. then, i...started this blog. and o, my venerated readers, you may see that i just complain about, rehash the same thing: that i don't get enough time with vicky, for whatever reasons...including parents, to a large degree.

then, the whole subject of my lament depresses me and gnaws away at me. but then there are redeeming moments, when i...wonder how i would ever live if this were to end. i asked matt if he was jealous of me, one day in physics, because i thought he was...he'd mentioned something askance to me some time ago about his being jealous. well, this relationship brings the best and the worst. happiness, bottomless frustration...ultimately, i want this to continue--if only for the happy side. would i want to lose what i have...only because i don't want to be frustrated? nay, the gains exceed the losses.

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 11:54:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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it's not a sin to live in your own dreams now and then, is it?

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 12:52:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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six months since michigan...just a note that i wanted to jot to myself.

:: sqroot2 12/09/2001 12:06:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i should have been a pair of ragged claws
scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

that's from "the love song of j. alfred prufrock". someone had to have known!

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 11:16:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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and frankly, ioana, with all respect to your opinions and your views about classical music (many of which i share), i am disgusted at the "pop" status of many of the pieces that you included on your list of pieces--the four seasons, sonata no. 8 op. 13 by good old beet-garden, mozart's turkish march. it is indeed sad that they have become trite...eine kleine nachtmusik is the best example of such corruption.

and, one last thing--i think beethoven's fourth piano concerto is much more...well-developed, mature, than his fifth. oh well, the fifth will always be an emperor...

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 11:08:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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well, well, link to a blog that i never thought would have existed. ioana--and many kudos to her from my direction for her post, A Defense of Classical Music.

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 11:05:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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dude, every time i look at number 25 on usc's application, form 1, i think it reads "homosexual applicant". however, it's asking if you're a "homeschooled applicant".

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 10:39:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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came back from spy game, which i liked very much. how fast can robert redford run? seemed like most everybody else in the movie was running 'cept for him. oh well, i like him as an actor, by my layman's standards...

well, usc app is on the desktop, and i have to get cracking somewhat soon--but i want to linger here a bit longer.

a beautiful mind--i want to see that.

mrs. stamper said today that griffith park observatory would be closed from january 2nd...for three years...i gotta go there sometime soon...i remember my parents used to take my sister and me there!! and you can see both it and the hollywood sign from my house, too. i told my dad that you could see the hollywood sign from pvphs, so he showed it to me when we were standing on our driveway. funny it never occurred to me to look.

i think i'm really sick...stuffed-up nose. also voice sounds funky, and it hurts to cough. egh, i feel normal otherwise, no temperature...that's good, that means i can think.

i haven't talked to vicky in ages...now if this blog were an exact representation of my thoughts, you'd be getting a lot more of vicky vicky vicky proportionate to the amount that i put on here.

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 10:24:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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*cracks neck* sore in a few places. tummy sort of hurts, funny voice, barely barely sore throat, cough, half-stuffed-up nose. my sinuses have gone crazy, though i'm not snotting all over the place yet, or so to speak.

schedule for today: amuse my cousins, do usc app, and think think think.

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 03:35:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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mailer's used to writing in short, concise sentences, but sometimes he indulges himself and writes a nice long sentence. this one is great!!!!! i read it, and went *wow*.

from the executioner's song:
"The violence of Portland licked right up to the edge of the store and left a spew like that yellow foam on city beaches where old rubber dries out with jellyfish and whiskey bottles and the dead squid."

i like mailer's writing very much. it's great literature, like i might have said before, but it doesn't compel me to take notes or jot some thoughts in the margins. in a way, that makes it a very convenient, leisurely read.

:: sqroot2 12/08/2001 12:06:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i just finished reading vicky's post about presents. oh, i went to the book sale today and got a few cool things: foucault's pendulum, soundtrack to evita on LP (a different version than i have, or maybe it's the same version but with different packaging), phantom of the opera by leroux, and then the short stories and parables of kafka. oh, when am i going to have time to read?

so, that brings me back to the topic that i started this post with--christmas wishes. you know what i want? time for the following things: to read, to play the piano, to play the cello, to have fun with vicky, to sleep, to study chemistry and history...and other things. oh my dad has to use the phone now...blog later.

well, just to finish that post off, time isn't something anyone else can give or buy. i guess it's up to myself to make more time for the things that i want to do. i want more time...

:: sqroot2 12/07/2001 07:32:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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usc application: three days to complete. can do, i think.

i'm going there tonight to visit my sister, at any rate.

:: sqroot2 12/07/2001 07:23:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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usc application: three days to complete. can do, i think.

i'm going there tonight to visit my sister, at any rate.

:: sqroot2 12/07/2001 07:22:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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sometimes i get sick of thinking too much, i just want to feel and to live. day-by-day, without planning for my future.

two places i really want to go to at night--the getty museum and griffith observatory. preferably with vicky, when i can actually drive by myself and take people. did you know that you can see the hollywood sign from our school????? now i'm missing griffith observatory more than ever; i really want to go there.

some time ago, i adopted a sentence structure that's quasi-run-on, but that makes a lot of sense. like the last sentence of the previous paragraph--two related sentences connected by a comma. i fell in love with it after i read some author who used it...i forgot now. eighth grade? ninth grade, maybe. or generally connecting logical clauses and/or phrases with commas.

jack nicholson in as good as it gets: "you make me want to be a better man."

where's my usc application? gotta get cracking.

:: sqroot2 12/06/2001 10:25:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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hm, is blogspot down?
...i think i'm sick. sore throat, at any rate.

:: sqroot2 12/06/2001 08:20:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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one last thing--i was trying to cheer vicky up yesterday, but i couldn't do much. like she said, it helped for "a few minutes"...*sigh*. what else could i do?...i feel wretched, i felt yesterday like i owed something to her but couldn't pay it back.

:: sqroot2 12/06/2001 03:15:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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so, i'm here at home at my new computer, which has an old dell monitor, which is really dim, which means that the colors are all funky--the big blogger thing is almost red.

i wanted to blog today about many things. i have a can of planters honey roasted peanuts right here on my minitower, and they're really good.

i need some speakers on this computer so that i can listen to my music.

and now i'm sitting here, but the ideas aren't coming. one thing is applying to usc. should i? if i did, it'd be for one reason only. silly how affairs of the heart take precedence over...everything else, for me. that's a weakness, to a certain extent, but also a quality. i'm a romantic at heart; i would want to be no other way.

devdoot majumdar, dev for short, PVPHS class of '00 (my sister's year), started a blog. he prefers to call it weblog instead of blog, for reasons unexplained (or maybe i wasn't reading carefully enough). he's at mit, you'll see that as soon as you mouse-over the link on the left side of this page.

do you ever get a queasyish feeling--well, not exactly queasy, but a feeling of unsettlement? that's how i feel right now...i feel odd...i know that it's partially attributable to a seed of discontent on my part. it feels like someone took a screwdriver and rotated your head even just 3.6 degrees, and now everything's a little weird. or maybe my insides have been rearranged, but something doesn't fit with something else.

at least vicky was cheerful today.

oh, i should let this all out--all my torrents of discontent. this post can be edited later to remove this portion, but i need it out of my system now. nay, i don't need it out of my system; i need to place half the burden upon this blog and the readers of it. i'll keep half; i don't want more.

my relationship with vicky is gnawing away at me. vicky, if you don't want this to get out here on my blog, then call me and tell me. it's about us, anyway. i'm sitting here looking at the hem of my jeans, with writer's block full and strong, and nothing is coming out coherently. but this is what i want to write about; this is what i have been censoring. i've been censoring my flow of ideas because sometimes...i want to keep things inside me. but now...no, this will go here. am i building up to nothing? i don't know if what i want to type will come out.

why do i want to apply to usc? because if vicky gets in and goes to usc, then i want to go with her. i don't want to leave any of my other friends either, for that matter, but if i were to choose one...well, then i'd follow her. but usc doesn't have a good reputation! but i want to be with vicky! no chance that she'll follow me to caltech or mit or stanford...if i do end up going to any of those three schools. and that's looking far into the future...far by my standards. i want to live day by day, but what does a day entail? one meeting passing each other between periods, ore or two short meetings at lockers, probably a lunch where i'm trying to talk to her, just trying...i can't do anything. i can't very well tell her to just pay attention to me; that's not my place and i wouldn't want to do that. but even though i don't tell her that, i want it to happen. where i could get her to myself...for a bit. no, i lie when i say "a bit". not a bit, for a long time! when we can talk and i can stare at her...without having to care about who notices, sees, infers...she said today that i was an "opportunist"--matt, after you left for the library. i'm sorry for being an opportunist! fine, you're right--but i'm just looking for more time. snatched kisses in hallways, because we're afraid of...what? other people noticing? cindy's friends? girls who can't keep their mouth shut? yes, i am looking for small opportunities. any opportunities. and then, i'm selfish, am i not? and jealous, and paranoid.

i deprecate myself, but then i question, am i asking for very much? it's not you, vicky, who can give me satisfaction; that is life's job. or maybe it's for the gods above to grant me a little satisfaction, and a little time with you. i'm not asking for a lot; why can't i get it!?

yet when i say this, i doubt myself. i do not deserve to be loved, for the deficits that i possess. but i want to be.

:: sqroot2 12/06/2001 03:04:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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right now my mind is like a machine-gun with a lot of recoil, spewing thoughts out rapidly, hardly coherently, marginally accurately. so many things to think about...blah, i am so pensive.

hino motors--i've said the proper congratulations and apologies to the proper people. i doubt i need to go into that. that really is what's spawning most of my thoughts, though...

you know, i hate competition, and that's thanks to a lot of things. vijay in chem last year, indeed...you know, i think it's better that science olympiad and science bowl conflict...at least for my psyche. i don't want to try to be the best at science bowl again; i want to study on my own time and learn what i want to learn! not to study to beat others or to be the captain of the team, nor to study to win--but simply to study to learn. good riddance...to something that i once enjoyed so much.

i'm not cut up over the audition today at all. on the contrary, i feel lightened because of it--it is farcical! kevin, you fucked up! you fucked up the cello...for once! ah...it's fun to sit back and laugh at myself, at what i tried for without putting enough effort in to even try. ha ha ha! my goodness, you reap what you sow, nothing more. two, three days of serious practicing and you expect your playing to sound good on a piece that you've tabled for three years! my my, what a funny guy you are, kevin. i'm saying this with a down-to-earth grin on my face, it seems so funny.

i know i might look back on tonight and think that perhaps i really missed the opportunity to play with one of the best amateur orchestras ever...by the way, i'm convinced that i didn't win. there had to be SOMEBODY who played better than me! heeehee. and maybe why i'm not caring so much about my failure is because of how vicky was feeling today. it's funny...me worrying about cello! oh boy, i miss my days of cellistic impulse--back to the dvorak concerto, which...oh, let me start a new paragraph.

i really haven't realized until just now when i'm writing this that i'm a little bit irked by the cello. it's been gnawing away at me, i guess...no, not the cello, but the sad realization that i am not to it what i was and it isn't to me what it is now. back in june...my technique...oh, why can't i have it now?? piano was on the back burner then; now cello is on the back burner and the fire's dying. i want to be able to play cello as well as i could a few months ago, but then i think about chemistry. i want to know chem as well as i did--and now i don't. i have a copy of the chem book; i just haven't gotten around to reading it. like all the other novels that i haven't read, that are sitting around on my bookshelves!!!!!! which brings me to music.

there are so many pieces that i want to play. and my sister said something very revealing a week or two ago. i was telling her about the goldberg variations (poor her, she had to listen to one of my lectures in person) and i remarked that i wanted to learn them eventually. then she said to learn them now, or start--because i probably wouldn't have time in college. good point. why am i sitting around here on my butt, planning ahead and saying i'll learn the pieces later when i can at least start now? that prompted me to try to play rachmaninoff's third concerto's cadenza, which, like i said, isn't bad. just a lot of chords to memorize :P

ultimate wish: to perform rachmaninoff's third concerto. well, i have one other big wish that some of you may know about, but that's...ok.

:: sqroot2 12/05/2001 11:23:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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today was sbyo concerto audition....wooooooooooooooooooo...heh...heh heh...i played so crappily. slurred, uneven, unclear notes; imprecise pitches; horrible half-assed cadenza. will know by next wednesday if i was the chosen one, but hah...i doubt it. my hands only started to feel warm after i finished the piece, which means they were cold during the whole thing. not fun...

lots of things going through my mind, but few will get on here...

:: sqroot2 12/05/2001 09:33:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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my claim to inferiority--writing. need to blog about inferiority and las vegas (two unrelated topics).

:: sqroot2 12/05/2001 12:44:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i don't know what to say right now; everything that i write here will seem anticlimactic to yesterday's blaze of passion.

i just practiced piano for an hour or more than that; i wasn't keeping track of time (i never do when practicing). i guess i was a little too stiff in my left wrist, because my left forearm feels exhausted and limp. at least i didn't hurt myself, which is remarkably easy to do when practicing (in my opinion).

i'm sleepy...blah. so many other things to be depressed about besides wanting to go to sleep and not having the time...*sigh*.

:: sqroot2 12/04/2001 04:57:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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blah, i feel horrible. my neck is sore from reading crime and punishment; i'm freezing still; my stomach isn't settling right after a lot of chips, a couple of doughnuts, two oranges, a cup of milk, and plenty of water. i feel...horrible. am i sick? mentally, yes; doesn't that mean that i'm physically sick, too? i'm firmly convinced that mental illness engenders physical illness...

at any rate, crime and punishment, in my opinion, is a bit sloppy. dostoevsky released it in installments that he modified/edited for each periodical in which the novel was published. i don't think it's a very polished piece of writing. maybe i'm comparing it to lolita, or other books of that ilk. still, the last part, part 6, is touching--especially how sonya feels about raskolnikov. it's crushing, it really is, to me. it...ashames me.

i still think that raskolnikov is extraordinary, but i'll have to think that one over a bit before i can present a case to even myself.

i think a true pinnacle of composition for piano are chopin's 24 etudes, opp. 10 and 25. i'm not including his three new etudes that he wrote for...the method of methods of...those two people. dammit, someone help me. it's in my book on my piano, which is quite far away. those pieces are so charming and difficult! they all sound so nice...april can verify that for you, i'm sure! oh, rapture. music always cheers me up, even now.

mr. colin today was talking about various mental diseases whose symptoms seem to be present in raskolnikov--including depression and manic-depression/bipolarity. ha ha ha, ha ha ha, how funny. no, just that i seem to have both of those disgusting diseases in myself...maybe not in clinical terms, but i'm depressed, i guess you could say. i'm dissatisfied with myself and my life. hino motors, comp sci/math homework, and english reading sparked my self-dissatisfaction, whereas...oh, never mind about the latter! no! i despise my own personality sometimes, despise it, hate it...isn't self-repulsion the worst feeling? nay, i take that back, it is second to self-pity. self-pity is the worst, then comes self-repulsion, then jealousy, and then all the...thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to? is that a semi-accurate quote?

self-repulsion...bring it on. i can say i hate you, kevin; i can say that. oh, i mean it. i hate you, kevin! you are sick and vile and disgusting; you are mean; you are debased; you have little concern for others' feelings; you hate being inferior; you are too proud; you aspire to be what you are not; you were never meant to be in this world. there, kevin, there goes my case. do you feel better now, kevin? no, i don't. okay, then you are lazy; you waste your time on the computer and n64; you do not even read what you want to read so badly; you rarely want to look at your future; you care so much about material possessions; you have stuffed animals; you cross your legs knee over knee; you are irreverent; you are impulsive; you like classical music--can't you be normal? can't you like the music of the time? can't you accept defeat--take your shit, and move on? cmon, keep the line moving. you get your shit, now let us get ours; stop moping!...

self-repulsion is indulgent. it gives me some time to think about what exactly i don't like about myself. self-pity is indulgent...jealousy is indulgent. all these are self-indulgent. they weaken me! no! begone, you unwanted vices! LEAVE ME ALONE!

i admire svidrigaylov immensely. i must be really fucked up for saying that, eh? i gather my english class thought so, considering the consensual reaction when i said just that. but how can you not admire someone with such willpower and such singlemindedness--his only purpose in life is to practice hedonism. and then he has the guts to face dunya, and then to shoot himself--he has guts. prufrock did not; i do not. i am a bag of...bones, a pouch containing...half a soul...

i should have been a pair of ragged claws
scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

where's that from? where's that from??? tell me, my friends!

and...don't you think sisyphus is incredibly lucky to have his work cut out for him? i want to be him--just so that i know what is in store for my future. i don't want a future; i want a present! i want to live, goddamit; i want other things; i want the present, the here, the now; i don't want to think about the future. i want it to be cut out for me, so that i can just follow it blindly. isn't there something so calming about knowing what's going to happen to you? tell me that i will die tomorrow, and i will live today to the fullest...had i not known, my only regret after death would be that i had not lived today as fully as i could have--a shallow example, but a valid one nonetheless...

concerto auditions for sbyo are wednesday; i haven't truly practiced yet. i'm going to go in tired, restless, pensive, unrehearsed. haydn's d major cello concerto, which is so much more lyrical than his c major concerto; its theme, like my cello teacher said, is like a beautiful woman. so delicate, tender, full of sighs and gestures...and i am going to go on stage and put mr. haydn to shame. i don't want to butcher the piece; who wants to butcher a beautiful woman?

yet i only complain about myself because it's all mental; it's all internal. nobody is doing anything to me--nobody is oppressing me; nobody is censoring me. my censure is from within, and that is the most harmful and crushing. to HATE yourself sometimes...to hate how you think about things, to hate what you were born with and how you are. some things like these...are a crutch to your being; they impair your sanity.

prokofieff's friend maximilian schmidthoff once wrote to him, "Seryozha, another bit of news. I've shot myself through the head. Maximilian." they found his body two months later, in a forest.

:: sqroot2 12/03/2001 11:44:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i'm freezing, and i still have quite a bit of crime and punishment reading left to do. wearing a sweatshirt, shirt, and another shirt, and sweats, and socks, and my hands feel like ice. not funnnnn........will blog later iff i have time.

:: sqroot2 12/03/2001 09:05:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i'm here in the computer lab after having finished my comp sci lab; physics test next period that i really haven' t hardcore studied for. i think that's because i'm so caught up with other things--on my comp sci grade report, my homework grade was 28/51. almost the equivalent of zeroing a 25-point lab, eh? well, my grades still pretty high >.< so BLAH...actually i might start doing my homework. probably better for my grade.

i'm not half as pensive as i was most last night; sleep helped (aside from the fact that i didn't get enough, as usual). my eyes have been marginally red ever since the michigan NAQT nationals trip--i don't think i've ever seen them not red since that date. mental strain, or physical strain? i'd say the mental; it engenders the physical.

esperar, respirar, vivir...oh, almost end of first period. yay!! ;)

:: sqroot2 12/03/2001 08:56:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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oh id ont' know. [all these short posts.] i'm depressed, i need some thing to get me up, balh, i want to play piano now, it is a small soalce, blah, blah, blah, i'm not okay...quote here later that i can't find,

:: sqroot2 12/03/2001 12:45:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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lolita is so beautiful, because what it preaches is that love is such a transcendent emotion that no matter how corrupted, no matter what form, it is still pure and true. oh how i love that.

:: sqroot2 12/03/2001 12:03:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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i get so sick of ayn randistic philosophy. i'm very much like mrs. patterson in that respect.

:: sqroot2 12/02/2001 11:58:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i want to blog about the following:
petrarch's 104th sonnet (i'll just put it on here)
certain quotes from crime and punishment
my back pain
sleep/dreams; death/suicide
how i don't know what i'm doing...why am i alive, why are circumstances so impossible, why is my mom like the way she is, why don't things work out..

:: sqroot2 12/02/2001 11:55:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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sleep is my drug. too bad it doesn't feel like how long it actually is. i want to sleep now.........not because i'm tired, but because i want to forget what's going on around me. colossal *sigh*...i need to go and rememorize hamlet's soliloquy. here i'm going to type all i can remember...hey, matt, i'll use the book that you got me instead of looking on page 1089 or something close to their in my complete works of william shakespeare:

to be, or not t obe, i sthe question
whehter tis nobler int eh mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous forturne
or to take arms agianst a sea of troubles, and by opposing
end them? to die, to sleep no mroe, and by a sleep to say we end
the heartache and thousand natural shocks that ...is that last line even correct?

blah about all the errors. i want to disappear...or somethign like that. but i'd miss all that i know and that i have.!!

:: sqroot2 12/02/2001 11:46:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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from about 11:02 to 11:34, my internet connection refused to work. fuck!!

:: sqroot2 12/02/2001 11:40:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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blog time.

sbyo concert today was a success. standing ovation at the end for the three combined orchestras playing christmas pieces. fun, hectic, no music that i really enjoyed or got into, but it was good music nonetheless. the soloists were polished--bach d minor double violin concerto, mozart g major flute concerto. other soloists too, but i enjoyed those pieces. i enjoyed mozart because...well, because it's so structured, i think. i don't really admire the melodies, etc...they're too trite.

music really cheers me up. i'm all down these days--these days being the past two, three weeks, etc. blah. i hate feeling like this. listless. i don't want to do my homework. i want to sleep. talk to vicky. things like that. frustrated hours; wretched being;...

like i was saying to vicky friday--i don't have a purpose in college. my listed major? ee/cs, or just electrical engineering or just computer engineering if that's what the college offered. why? i'm a pretty science-oriented guy. mostly my parents' suggestion, because i didn't know what to put. oh, i knew what to put. i just wouldn't have, because i abhor the life that musicians live. if you gave me a chance, and guaranteed my future to be prosperous and happy, i would choose music. that's probably my true calling, and i'm not going to respond. because musicians don't usually make a lot of money--unless you're a richter. an argerich. kissin. andsnes. volodos. if you're a pop star like liszt or paganini. or...i just want to list all my idols. gould. ashkenazy. pletnev. lang lang. fournier, ma, rostropovich, du pre, maisky, starker...those guys. i want to be like those guys, or at least try. but i don't want to waste my life doing something...that i might not profit from.

but then--am i not wasting my life by not doing what i love to do?

:: sqroot2 12/02/2001 11:36:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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whee...yesterday surprise birthday party. thanks, you guys :)...i wasn't stoned, just stunned. oh, i finished the legs to the knex model...

synopsis--matt picked me up to go to stamper's room, nobody was there, she told me to go take some lab books to the back room and all the ppl were hiding. whee...then opened presents, and went to 135 n. grand avenue for the music center of LA, where we bought tix for aida, the musical. otto's for lunch, for want of better; there are like no restaurants immediately close to the music center. whew...seemed like a rip-off, but that's my opinion. i had a total of 6 bucks on me, because i had no idea i was going out to see a show...i thought we were meeting for science olympiad... :)

aah, my students (tutoring) are late. more details later...

:: sqroot2 12/02/2001 10:55:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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