:: 1.41421356237 ::

:: Sunday, September 30, 2001 ::

*sigh*...mom can be such a shithead sometimes

:: sqroot2 9/30/2001 10:03:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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oof...college applications are such banes. i HATE the essays! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

i just put all the secondary school report forms together so that ms. bowman can have some great fun. >:0 do you know how much all the application fees, postage stamps, and envelopes are going to cost?????

this morning i bought a recording of mikhail pletnev, renowned pianist and conductor, playing prokofieff's second, seventh, and eighth sonatas. i am irreversibly drawn to the seventh sonata--supposedly it's hard, it's the central piece of the war trilogy (6th, 7th, 8th sonatas make up the trilogy, i think), and it's so individual. richter refused to play the 8th sonata, for some time, at least, because his classmate emil gilels (another famous pianist like richter) played it so well. hopefully my score of the prokofieff sonatas will arrive tomorrow or tuesday.

:: sqroot2 9/30/2001 07:58:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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h'm...blogger wouldn't work earlier. so weird.

lohengrin is spelled with an i, methinks...

and guess what... MARTHA ARGERICH IS COMING TO LA ON OCTOBER 15!!!!!!!!!!

and leif ove andsnes, who traveled the world playing rachmaninoff's third concerto, is coming to LA a few days after argerich to play that same piece. i must go to both! *drools*

:: sqroot2 9/30/2001 05:43:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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added counter.

:: sqroot2 9/28/2001 11:59:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i remember when i first visited grace wang's blog. i didn't understand what it was about. i didn't understand blogging, and grace's blog seemed so useless to me at that time.

perhaps i've gotten to know her a little bit better since her blog first came out, so now i check hers, vicky's, brendan's, and april's semi-regularly. blogs are a way to see into a person, if that person is willing.

this blog, for all of you newcomers, is me without any vestiges of any facade. it is me in my purest, truest, basest, most primal form. many of you know this side of me somewhat. i assume some of you don't.

why the comment about grace's blog? because i didn't understand blogs then. maybe when you look upon this page you will think it is a bunch of shit. well, so be it. come back when you want, if you want. chances are, i won't get many more visitors than i do now.

this blog is a place for me to put my thoughts--a place where you can get to know me better.

i don't know if making this blog public is the best thing to do, but i confess to you all that many of you haven't seen me without any masks. here you will see, as i mentioned before, my naked, embarrased face.

read whatever you want; infer whatever you want. the archives are up and maintained.

i don't know why i'm making this blog public. as you can see, i started this about two months ago--near the end of july.

one last thing--i don't mean to offend anyone. i'm sorry if i have, and if i have, do tell me about it. i cannot remember all that have put on here; thus, it's quite feasible that i could have made a comment that was rude to a person or to some persons.

well, this is the last thing. don't tell anybody what you see on this blog. don't tell anybody. everybody else who has the link can see for him/herself.

:: sqroot2 9/28/2001 11:21:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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hotmail is so fast today. whoopee!

i'm soooooo tired. and i have a cello lesson in half an hour or so. *yawn*

are chocolates and almonds really aphrodisiacs?

:: sqroot2 9/28/2001 06:27:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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when you eat peanuts out of a jar, it's easiest to place the uncapped jar, neck facing you, side down on the desk. it's easiest to get the peanuts that way.

finished my colin essay, which i have mixed feelings about. it's either remarkably well-conceived or rather strangely composed, and i think it's probably the latter to most people. i like it; if i were the sole grader of it and the sole reader, i'd say it was well-conceived. but i do have a tendency to overjudge my works (i think) so then i take my impression and scale it down to about half. that way if i get a bad grade, i say c'est la vie. though the only time i got a bad grade on an essay in my opinion was in verenkoff, 1st semester final essay on catcher in the rye. 76%. bad bad bad. i kicked ass second semester--highest grade without ec! then again, i didn't do extra credit, so two people beat me. >:0

anyway, i really like literature and english. that or math? harvey mudd offers an intriguing combination of the two, but it's small.

the cornell admissions officer today was soooooo prepared to answer leslie's question about suicide rates. his answer was so canned, though he argued it so well that it seemed like the myth about cornell was completely unfounded.

funny quote from mr. lynn: "i didn't know i taught in a ghetto up here!"
my attempt at humor: "vijay, you have very supple wrists!"

science bowl/quiz bowl was fun. or shall i say, the time spent before and after that in the back room was fun. yeah, something like that.

i'm sounding so un-myself in this blog.

:: sqroot2 9/27/2001 11:47:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i came back from sbyo today...and started my hw. colin essay is bugging/worrying me. chika, our principal violinist, a girl barely turned 13, is phenomenal. she's lisa campbell's trio violinist, and lisa said that she worked very hard. her playing is so mature past her age. beautiful tone, excellent concept of vibrato, confident playing. wonderful.

i just finished my comp sci homework, which was pretty fun. writing a program to output a random number. comp sci dings my bell.

um, ack. what was i just going to say!? oh, mr. bevans (physics ap teacher) is a really bad teacher. i swear i'm teaching myself from the book more than he's teaching me. matt shares my sentiment, as do many other people; vijay thinks mr. bevans is a good teacher. sorry vijay, i don't quite concur.

my eyes are somewhat itchy and my eyelids are really heavy. tomorrow...oof. don't know if there's quiz or science bowl. i feel so pooped out. hopefully somebody can wake me up :D but probably have to start colin essay tonight. ugh.

:: sqroot2 9/26/2001 11:22:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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the reason why i underline and not italicize is that my blog is like something handwritten, something from my mind and heart, not preformatted. that's my rationale. no caps for a different reason--because i'm too lazy.

i don't know. should this blog go public? i care so much about what people think of me that i doubt my conscience would let me go public. people who read this would see me differently--see me in a new light, perhaps see my personality differently. and some things i want to hide. i'd say mrs. patterson and mrs. stamper know me the most; mrs. patterson got to read my journals and mrs. stamper's just seen me in lots of different circumstances. for the people who are already reading this blog, the harm, if any, has been done; you know me without any facades.

...but deep down i'm burning to let people know what kind of person i truly am. i hate people thinking of me wrongly. if only i could shout to the world to see me in a true light without my having to tell them to see me that way--why, that would be so easy. so in a sense, i really want to tell other friends about this. they probably won't check it very often, but the few times that they do...well, they'll know who i really am. and it's the last year before contact inevitably wanes between friends.

my computer crashed two times today. that's not a good thing. it crashed for the same reason. well, i'm really getting tired...my head sort of hurts...i'm going to look for a counter to slap on here and then shower and sleep, probably :D.

:: sqroot2 9/25/2001 11:56:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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thought that's been bugging me. rudolph's kids get more time for nms than bowman's kids, like me..something like 9 days more. that isn't fair not to me but to any of the five remaining bowman students that may not have had enough time to write an exemplary essay. peter and vicky asserted, albeit half-jokingly, that it WAS fair, but...nine days is a big difference when you're talking about an essay of this type.

that having been said, i'm not complaining--i was satisfied with my essay. do you ever get the feeling that you've done something well, and no matter what the outcome is--good grade or bad grade, money or no money, you know you did your best. that's the way i feel about it. i'm not going to change a word of my essay, and bring it on: either i'm a scholar, or i'm not. easy as that.

i don't like writing essays if i don't have much to say. caltech's essay about the field that i want to pursue is at least interesting and conducive to a nice straight chain of thought. not so with stanford; i forgot their essay prompt already. i guess that's the way it goes with questions i don't like. i love writing essays in english where i prove a point that i'm totally for. i didn't do justice to Lolita last year; i was trying to fit an essay into the frame of a review. i think when i have time i'll reread that wonderful book and write an analytical essay just for the heck of it, because i have a lot to say about that book.

same thing goes for a clockwork orange. it's funny how when i'm forced to write, i don't feel like writing and i don't want to write, but when i'm not forced to write, i love writing. short stories especially, though i can't think of any topics.

prokofieff hated some of rachmaninoff's music. why? because rachmaninoff influenced his work so much. i can't sit down and compose a piece of music without other already-composed melodies and fragments running through my head. i can share prokofieff's sentiment in that sense, but i wouldn't go as far as cursing and hating any composer for the same reason that prokofieff had.

i'm going to work on college apps now...and probably an email or two...and other stuff. talk to y'all later!

:: sqroot2 9/25/2001 08:39:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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igh..trying to pump out caltech essay. semi-working. must do a LOT more soon!

:: sqroot2 9/25/2001 01:10:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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aack. yes, issac stern died saturday--heart failure? i think so.

i was going to use the computer but then my mom used it for like half an hour while i organized my coin collection. aack. i've lost my perspective of time...okay, like 10 now, will have to sleep somewhat soon, within two hours. i need my milk and frosted flakes though! :D fresh cold milk SO rocks butt...it beats powdered milk by a lot.

i was just flooded by IM boxes. now i'm down to...zero. yup, close all the ones with dead conversations. igh. my back hurts...i think i'm going to spend my time on an email rather than a blog. nothing really special happened today to blog about, except for a paper origami flower... aack. have to do origami, must remind myself.

:: sqroot2 9/24/2001 10:08:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i just lost my post...oh well, it was only two short paragraphs.

i deleted a lot of stuff from my inbox today--i was at 2019 kbs and the limit for hotmail is 2048. now i'm down to something like 1844 kbs, which is still whopping...dear me, how'd i get so much!?

i found the valentino's ny style pizza and restaurant menu that i got from spaceset's florida trip over the summer. i told vicky already, but their phone number was (area code) 269-9559. vicky's is 265-5995. when wwwwweeeeeeeeeeeird things like that happen...seemingly psychic things...i just stare and go...oh. i mean, it's one hell of a big coincidence that i go to a restaurant in a small town in florida that has vicky (3000 miles away)'s phone number with the 5s and 9s reversed. that's just crazy. weird. i still think...it's crazy.

i want to get marcel proust's ongoing novel (?) a la recherche du temps perdu, whose name in english i forgot. borders has the three-volume set for...a whopping $64. and i don't even know what it's about, i'm just intrigued by it. humm. there are so many things i want to read, and i never have the time. when i'm in college, i want to just sit down and read.

college. i'm so going to miss all the friends i have...especially a precious few, but in college, if i don't go to the same place as them...who'll i talk to? dismal images of my sister's apartment at USC strike me coldly. college is going to take a little getting used to...i don't even want to think about apps or about going to college. not yet. live the day!

the subtitle of my blog is--someone remind me? there we go. "my thoughts". my blog is by no means absolutely representative of my thoughts. and weird stuff, some random person just imed me. oh. :D okay. nm.

i'm going to have to shower soon.

on this blog...oh, i wish i could say more than i do. the people to whom i write emails get to know more.. and i feel like i want to put more on this blog, but am afraid to. some things are to be shared very sparingly. oh well...i like this blog.

i'll change the title sometime to make the approximation of the square root of two more accurate when i get the chance...how many digits after the decimal point do you guys want? :D

:: sqroot2 9/23/2001 11:41:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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new keyboard! wooooooooonderful. i still have to do colin's JB assignment, which will probably take a long time...igh. i just tutored from 2:30-3:30, now for more--4-5pm. i thought the physics homework was hard--oh well. news? not really...um...my math presentation is tomorrow! the cds that i got are awesome! oh, and i put my cd collection into a little over two shoeboxes--which seems so little now that i've done it. so now they're all nice and organized.

i'm going to do some hw..probably JB while listening to the cds that i bought yesterday. :D

:: sqroot2 9/23/2001 03:49:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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hi, everybody!

i went to borders today and got richter's recording of his recital in 1958 at sofia, bulgaria, one of the most popularized recitals of his career, i gather. i also got pablo casals playing bach's six cello suites as well as a few other pieces, which i'm listening to now. artistic standards have increased greatly since casals' time--this was recorded ~1935, at his zenith. he has a few slurred-together, unclear notes...which really wasn't a big deal back then but now it's like OH MY GOD this famous guy is making um MISTAKES! sheesh, see how attitudes have changed...

richter is immensely poetic. i admire him greatly as both a musician and an interesting personality. he cared nothing for politics and concertized throughout WWII--there's the story of something like a hole had been bombed into the recital hall and he just played to a full house. oh, what rapture. the pictures at an exhibition, richter thinks, is the best piece of russian music ever composed for solo piano.

ok, previous blogs have been mainly about piano, and i'm sure i've turned some of you off. cyrano yesterday was pretty cool. well, the play...well, the night was cool. :D miss someone...ahem.

i went to tofu hot to eat with my sister today--had bulgogi with soon tofu. i prefer bulgogi over kalbi simply because bulgogi doesn't have ribs. as an added benefit, it's a buck cheaper. then we went to albertson's to pick up the 88c per pound chicken drumsticks, one colossal humongous package of drumsticks. then we came home, dad and sis went to usc while mom and i went to borders.

just to put it here so i don't forget--the norton edition of crime and punishment is so much better than the rest. mostly the translation. i want to get nabokov--pnin, his short stories, invitation to a beheading. *sigh* i hate spending money, but i love buying things...

hmm, i just spanked josh online. too bad someone ELSE isn't online so that i can spank HER butt... ;)

should i put a counter on my page? i don't really want to go to the trouble...i don't think i want to know if anyone who i DON'T want seeing this blog is actually seeing it. if someone's watching you while you were taking a shower, would you really want to know? wouldn't it be better off if you didn't and lived in perfect confidence? sometimes i wonder if my personal life isn't personal enough, this blog being a medium for expression. but i don't worry about it, because...que sera, sera.

seems like the more you see someone, the more you miss them when you can't...not only seems like. of course it's true.

:: sqroot2 9/23/2001 12:25:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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waah. haven't blogged in a long time, or checked email, for that matter. "long time" regarding checking emails: one whole day. 43 new messages. i deleted about thirty-five on one go, whoopee. then, first thing i opened was vicky's email :D!

recently i've just been signing on, and seeing nothing to talk about to nobody in particular, i sign off. like i just did. and then i go to blogging or finishing up the rest of my mail. i guess i've been weaned a little off the internet due to various reasons.

what i really like is teaching piano, i think. performing too, but to compart any knowledge that i have with students around my caliber (or is it calibre?) would be great fun. i enjoyed teaching cindy what little that i did that day about that les miserables piece.

i'm going to play piano now. later, i will go to borders and probbaly out to eat with my sister. like, 4ish. bye y'all!

:: sqroot2 9/22/2001 02:21:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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[I HAVE EDITED OUT A LARGE PART OF THIS BLOG FOR THE REASON THAT IT MAY BE OFFENSIVE.]

got that out....may blog more later, maybe not.

:: sqroot2 9/19/2001 10:44:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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sorry to vicky for not blogging nearly as much as she does; sorry to the rest of my audience who don't get the emails that I send to vicky that are quasi-blogs. i just finished tutoring my high school esl student's seventh-grade sister; it's pretty easy stuff.

the more i listen to bach's well-tempered clavier, the more I fall in love with it. i know i've said that i hate bach, but, it's as if i matured by reading richter's notes on bach. richter admired bach greatly; he recorded both books one and two of bach's well-tempered clavier (much as he hates complete cycles of pieces). part of his devotion to bach was his nonconformism to soviet methodoloy and soviet downplaying of bach. in the USSR, bach was just stuff to be played as examination pieces or sight-reading pieces. richter forced himself to learn the well-tempered clavier, book one, and grew to love it. some pieces are indeed charming (given that there are a few less interesting pieces). but i think i'm embarking upon a new appreciation of bach.

homework all done, whoopee!!!!! so now i have the rest of the evening or night left to do whatever. maybe call vicky, piano, cello, study? oh yeah, comp sci test tomorrow, will have to study for that...ick. bye!

:: sqroot2 9/18/2001 08:30:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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my parents can be such fuckers!

:: sqroot2 9/18/2001 02:53:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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humm. bought the sviatoslav richter book today; it's highly engrossing and has lots of pictures of him. what a great artist...i'll elaborate more later.

i got a new cello, vicky knows already...so it's a rehash for her. down below i desribed it.

aack, didn't finish vicky's peer rec. going to have to do that tomorrow! and tomorrow is also club signups. zesty! muhahahahahaha. ;) ya know what i'm talking about. i want vicky..

:: sqroot2 9/16/2001 11:34:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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haven't heard from vicky today yet...aiee!

:: sqroot2 9/16/2001 12:01:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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mr. colin did a rather funny thing in class today--asked more than half the class (the section that didn't do the homework) to leave and go to the amphitheater for a period while the remainder discussed in class. weird, weird.

i hate interruptions during emails or blogging. it's so hard to continue a thought once i've been interrupted by my mom or once a bug flies into the monitor and splatters its guts about, though the latter has never happened. all supposition on my part.

sometimes i cherish time alone. i can't blog or email when my mom is around, though she doesn't read english half as fast as she needs to to read what the heck i'm typing. it's a certain sense of peace when you can be alone, and think, and think. late at night when all the world...is sleeping i stay up and think of you (i still do...)

vicky mentioned unrequited love. could love serve the same purpose as religion? is an unrequited love, or just a concept of liking someone, a refuge for some? was it for me? one of the things that i am least able to do is to psychoanalyze myself.

i am really on edge right now. my mom's telling me about ms. bowman's packet, and i'm at the end of my tolerance. the elastic-y strings in me are bound so tight today that were you to pluck them, the ones that you touched would break and the remainder, overwhelmed by the load, would snap too and i would be a crushed, hopeless devil. perhaps not so drastic, but i daresay this week's emotional ups and downs really stretch those strings.

part of these emotional ups and downs is vicky. no, that isn't a bad thing. i like her a lot...too much? that's not for me to decide, though i wouldn't call it "too" much. [I HAVE EDITED THESE SENTENCES OUT] *sigh* something else that you don't know until you do it. i just wish i had more time with her. can i find another vicky who i can do things with? then, wouldn't you lose the concept of vicky?

*sigh* life is one complicated goddamn mess. microlife--personal relationships. macrolife--news, terrorism, etc. i'm more occupied with my microlife. i was talking to ed liu...what don't i have? a social life. he says he'd rather be in my shoes...i say the same to him. the grass is always greener on the other side, granted, meaning that i'll always covet what he has and he what i have...but even in light of that, sometimes i wish for myself to be more social, to cultivate a social life. could that reduce my frustration with my relationship now?

i want to find a petrarch's laura. vicky's the best i've done...and she says that she's not the perfect girl for me. so far, she's the best...but logic says you don't know till you find a better girl. but what have i for logic? love is not logic, love is not sense. why do i want to find a perfect girl? why do i want to spend so much time with the "present" girl, vicky? what drives me? i reflect now, and have no answers for myself.

i have this deep longing to do something with vicky. you know when you're disappointed, and you feel this funny sensation in your chest, as if your heart has dropped to your stomach and the wind's been knocked out of you? that's what i feel when i think about this. and in a way i can indulge in disgusting self-pity mingled distastefully with equally disappetizing self-disgust. but i don't want to pity myself. i have brought upon myself everything that has happened to me, why pity myself for the things that i have chosen, that i have decided for myself?

what would happen if i could do something regularly with vicky? would conflicts arise, and would we break up? or would it further our relationship?

oh, sometimes i hate this. trying to do something with her, but not quite reaching that goal ever. the delicious quagmire of self-pity beckons me, and i refuse to pity myelf, to comfort myself pathetically by indulging my own depression. the tempting self-pity remains, but i'm not bargaining for that.

yet sometimes i think how i could live sanely without what is happening now. i can't very well lead a life blindly just doing what i have to do. i have to live with some capriciousness, some unpredictibleness--my relationship, surely, satisfies that requirement.

i want to go out to eat with vicky, then go to the formal. november seventeenth. i am so sunkenly depressed. i will ask her now.

:: sqroot2 9/13/2001 10:59:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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you know what, going online takes a long time for me to straighten allt he daily things out. check vicky's blog, check home email, check my email, sign on AIM. by the time i'm done, it's like fifteen minutes. then, blogging, minimal chatting, and emails.

today was south bay youth orchestra. i'm the principal cellist of the advanced (chamber) orchestra. does that mean i'm the best cellist in the south bay? :D prolly not, but oh well. the music we're playing is all chamber. von weber, handel, mozart, marcello, vivaldi, bach. slight *shudder*. i'd much rather play in the less advanced large orchestra and play rachmaninoff, or liszt, or a more massive piece. as it is, i have to practice a lot (can't make any mistakes!). but i guess it's a good thing being in the small orchestra. it's really cool, and even though i have nobody to talk to :) it's great being able to play music and be able to hear just about everyone else clearly. chamber orchestra= ~20 people. small!

i wished i'd get to talk to vicky today, but i was so occupied otherwise. emailing her now...

i really like the new yellow cello. wow, that should be a poem--the yellow cello. when i'm in a facetious, rhyming mood, i'll compose the poem.

yesterday. the whole event was surreal. i guess i was probably numb to the shock, as if someone had promptly severed my head from my body and i didn't have time to know it. a numbness toward the numbers--how many stories, how many people, what times, all that. disbelief that this could happen to the US. the united fucking states! reminds me of that harrison ford movie--air force one. shock that the US president's plane was hijacked--the US. same thing here. just more tangible, surprise that such destruction could happen so swiftly and unjustly. i can't describe what i felt--a conglomeration of emotions, none too strong, general confusion. oh well, this is a day to remember. no blog was necessary yesterday. remember the day for the people who died innocently and the people who died in the cause of good--and remember the perpetrators. some things need to be forgotten. this needs to be remembered.

enough. homework still left--english, econ. test tomorrow in econ. see y'all later!

:: sqroot2 9/12/2001 10:59:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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I WANT THAT CELLO! :P

:: sqroot2 9/10/2001 10:19:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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hmm. i went to morey's this afternoon and looked for a particular cello. it was bought in 1961 from the morey brothers' father who founded the store (at least i think it was him who founded the store); it was custom-made to a man's specifications who was buying it for his teenage son at that time (1961). now, forty years later, both father and son are grown up; the son doesn't play anymore so the father brought the cello back to be consigned. so it's seen 40-odd years; its sound is bright and loud. much better than my cello, and only three grand (less than my present cello). humm. if my mom trades in the two smaller cellos that we have and a clarinet, then i can pay the difference of somewhere between 1 and 1.5 grand--and the cello is mine. hopefully the deal will be conluded saturday if all goes well--parents' attitudes, the selling of the other instruments...yeah. i really want that cello! it's yellowish, very yellowish with a satin (non-glossy and hard) finish. ok, i'm boring you guys now... :D

yeah, vicky especially, i know y'all want to know about my food details. ah can speak lahk a texas hick if i wahnt. gee, spaceset really taught me the use of y'all. like, in everything you say. d'spain people, become cultured! learn the expression, and use it libreally. i just finished a bagel pizza, and am starting on another one. mm mm good. "roasted garlic" pasta/pizza sauce by ragu.

later i must go study compsci for the test tomorrow. my goodness, lester is murderous when it comes to tests. *shiver*

i always like it when i talk to vicky on the phone. it cheers me up inevitably :D especially after a hectic day, like today. i mean, all i did until 6:30PM was school, on the road, morey's, and piano lesson. sheesh. miss her so..........

:: sqroot2 9/10/2001 10:19:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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today is such a perfect day...the weather, the atmosphere, the temperature outside. i wish i could do something...something like go to the pier with vicky....i wish...

:: sqroot2 9/09/2001 05:50:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i hope i'm not taking up vicky's mind's bandwidth by her worrying about me. i don't want her to worry about me, simply because she has better things to do and i don't want her to feel uncomfortable or bad that the whole relationship thing isn't working out as i wanted.

i just wanted to say--to you, vicky--that i like you very much, as friend and much more. that's all. y'all who've been reading this blog know all the rest, all the other things that i'm not satisfied with. but still, what i just said will remain true in spite of all the crap. i'm still going to like vicky, very, very, much.

:: sqroot2 9/09/2001 05:43:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i wanted to get some stuff out of my system...

vicky called today. like, right after i came home. oh, today's trip to senior portraits/morey's is another story in itself. but after i came home and signed on, vicky called. i like and dislike talking to her on the phone, both for happy reasons. like: i get to talk to her. which is fun, and is (or rather, tries to be) a substitute for whatever our relationship lacks--opportunity? time? dislike: calling her emphasizes how much i can't be with her physically!

what, this subject again? yup. i've been through it who knows how many times in this blog. go to the archives and count. i don't get to be with her enough! *sigh* no classes together, my mom is paranoid..those two things are just sort of igh together. together, they seem to conspire to prevent me from doing anything with her. or something like that. i don't know! i want more of vicky, and i just can't seem to get more. i wish it were something like an auction on ebay, highest bidder gets more time. and other people get to be in her classes--leslie, tim, matt, peter...i, not one class with her. leslie gets to work with her tomorrow about science olympiad. gosh darnit, i should get some credit for working out scibowl crap. oh well, that's something else. what if i could work with her? oh, heaven. just time with her. can i have that simple want? i've been wanting it for something like...six or seven weeks now.

i want more time with vicky! this whole relationship isn't working as smoothly as i wanted it to, because i don't have enough time with her. what, locker meetings, lunches with a group of people, occassional sixth periods in public places? not enough! but i don't want to say, hey, let's stop this because it's not working. i don't want that! i want this relationship to continue, for whatever pain, gratification, or suffering i derive from it.

meanwhile, i'm...hurting that i can't spend more time with her. when i talk to her on the phone, all i'm thinking about is when i can do something with her, just the two of us. never? that sounds about right. i've been trying to find some way to be with her alone, no hindrances, doing something fun. i don't want the relationship to end! but i also want more, so much more, that you'd wonder if i'd ever be satisfied. i think i'd be, at some point, but now is a far cry from that point.

i know what things i want to do with vicky, a lot. and if i can't have her in real life because of my mom or just because of circumstances, i pray that i can dream so that i can have vicky. and do something fun with her during the dream, to make up for real life when i can't. and the dream's going to end and i will feel empty, but at least i had her for the duration of it.

:: sqroot2 9/08/2001 11:43:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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worried about vicky...her blog is distressing. hope she's all right! senior portraits at 4:40, going to leave at 3:20 in ten minutes. fast!

:: sqroot2 9/08/2001 03:10:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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want to do wright stuff with vicky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X0

:: sqroot2 9/05/2001 09:53:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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froggie post...? don't remember that. vicky said something about it...

i had my south bay youth orchestra audition today. it went very well; i played the dvorak from the beginning until the auditioners stopped me. (auditioners? auditors?) i picked up the Literature Lovers' Book of Lists yesterday at borders. if i go to borders again, i'll probably pick one up for vicky, since she might want it. i read it in orchestra today--mr. marino was absent. what a poop! dude, being absent on the second day of school isn't cool. in chem at lunch today (as in, in the chem room) i felt a lot of feeling over grade changes. anurag was unhappy that his grade didn't get changed satisfactorily--and either wouldn't tell me or didn't know exactly what it'd be changed to. sam, similarly, wasn't too happy.

i like the book of lists. one other thing i HAVE to get, i mean book: Sviatoslav Richter: Notebooks and Conversations. thirty bucks...or $29.95 + tax--sheesh. but a truthful tribute to a great pianist. i must get it!

i hope i get a good seat in the orchestra. i'll get the results probably friday or saturday by mail. *crosses fingers* ohh, i want to read. but i have to play piano, too..hehehehe. i guess juggling things can be at once rewarding and time-consuming and frustrating. which reminds me, mr. colin seems rather cool!

well, i have to play piano now. hope i see vicky tomorrow--didn't have time today to call her. afternoon was soo busy! 2-3:30 piano; 3:45-4:30 nap; 4:30-5:10 get ready for audition, 5:10 leave for el camino, 6:00 audition. aack. tomorrow is science bowl/olympiad=back room fun... 0;)

:: sqroot2 9/05/2001 09:05:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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funny how a phone call can completely change your mood. :D now happy, after i talked to vicky..um...two hours ago? something like that. still miss her, but that's ok.

:: sqroot2 9/04/2001 10:01:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i'm getting tired of my mom talking to me when i'm on the phone, and then telling me not to argue with her while i'm on the phone. it's sickening. i'm getting tired of a lot of things that are happening around here--her nagging me to get off the computer, etc. now she's back again and bitching.

when i got on the car today after school, my mom and her older sister were in it. something pissed me off about what they were saying about how i was late, so i blew up at them. that got my aunt talking about how i was also very...in chinese "shong", which is sort of fierce/assertive/violent. yes, that got me even more pissed off. then my mom said that she agreed.

now i have to obtain the math text from alex, because i didn't get a xerox today. oh, what pain. vicky's going to call me after her dinner, and i hope i'll be home and not on the way to or from alex's house. i miss her so much because she isn't online. and my mom didn't let me talk on the freaking phone. *sigh* i'm worried about vicky and me...and how my mom is going to get in the way. I MISS VICKY!!!!!!!

:: sqroot2 9/04/2001 07:01:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i'm getting tired of my mom talking to me when i'm on the phone, and then telling me not to argue with her while i'm on the phone. it's sickening. i'm getting tired of a lot of things that are happening around here--her nagging me to get off the computer, etc. now she's back again and bitching.

when i got on the car today after school, my mom and her older sister were in it. something pissed me off about what they were saying about how i was late, so i blew up at them. that got my aunt talking about how i was also very...in chinese "shong", which is sort of fierce/assertive/violent. yes, that got me even more pissed off. then my mom said that she agreed.

now i have to obtain the math text from alex, because i didn't get a xerox today. oh, what pain. vicky's going to call me after her dinner, and i hope i'll be home and not on the way to or from alex's house. i miss her so much because she isn't online. and my mom didn't let me talk on the freaking phone. *sigh* i'm worried about vicky and me...and how my mom is going to get in the way. I MISS VICKY!!!!!!!

:: sqroot2 9/04/2001 07:01:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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vicky's last night online for...a very long while. thirty-five odd more minutes left. *sigh*.

i don't want our not being able to talk online change our relationship in any way. when she interned at aerospace, online was pretty much as close as i could get to her...and now, no classes together at school. freak! at least there's science events. but even then tha'ts not enough.

religion is very powerful if you take it a certain way. yesterday and today i read the bible; today i went to hsi lai temple. two differing religions, but both so potent. i get the awesome feeling of unfathomable power in the main prayer hall at hsi lai temple, with over two hundred people chanting. it's really a very special feeling--so many souls devoted to that religion. the chanting. so...powerful. ineffably so.

similarly, the bible is a very powerful book. i'm especially pleased, or belittled, by exodus, though i think moses overdid it a little when he was writing it (if he even wrote it). the lord is portrayed as being so encompassing and powerful, with the ability to grant and destroy. but simply the thought that events so long ago are documented in a tome that has been read by billions--is a source of power in itself. the bible is one old book, and its age venerates it.

*sigh*. no more vicky online = not as much kevin online. a good thing? i think i spend too much time online, though i rarely confess it to myself or anyone. online is...sometimes easier than talking on the phone or in person, but can be so much less. yeah, i should spend less time online. for crying out loud, i have three books--two mailers, then light in august by faulkner--not finished, well, things fall apart isn't finished either, nor sophie's world, and i haven't started on juneteenth or that clancy novel that i bought from library book sale. and then cello i will have to pick up and maintain--my technique is slipping, seeing as i haven't practiced in so long--and then i have to work on liszt's first concerto so that i can play that with our school orchestra. so many things to do...and then vicky. where do i place her? at the top of the list...but how much time will i even have for anything on my list? my good god. science bowl and science olympiad and quiz bowl i can't drop. this is becoming a pitiful whining...

well, better savor the last fifteen minutes.

:: sqroot2 9/02/2001 11:45:00 PM [+] :: something to say? []
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i have dimes and quarters sitting in front of me. key dates. as in, in fifty years they'll be worth more than other dimes and quarters will. "LIBERTY" is stamped quite prominently above washington's head, and roosevelt is looking at the E on the dime. is this some ironic twist on what our nation was conceived upon? we have so many laws limiting what a citizen can do that it hardly seems that we are at liberty.

yet, these laws must be in effect. they protect what liberties remain to the citizens who lead ordinary lives, committing no crimes and breaking no laws. indeed, these laws, though limiting the innocent, protect the innocent, guarantee in a way their liberty. i believe that that is the principle of government.

anyway, just came back from rush hour 2. aack, just typed rush hour 3 and had to change it to two. hey, guess who was in it? zhang ziyi, though no wet shirt and not as aroused as she was in cthd. i WAS wearing jeans today, but no discomfort. actually, the same pair of jeans. hmm..what's that fan site (though i'm going to be like the only one who visits it :) i was thinking of zhang ziyi forever...but now it's down. http://www.aclasscelebs.com/zhangz/ is actually a remarkably complete site--didn't expect such quality from someplace that has listings for numerous celebrities.

is a perfect woman/MOS only an ideal? or does that perfect MOS exist, only you can't have him/her? or are you going to find him/her? what a useless question. that's just a thought that floated through my mind.

vicky said that she was blogging...and then she just finished.. oh well. enough zhang ziyi for one day, i'm off...bye

:: sqroot2 9/01/2001 12:15:00 AM [+] :: something to say? []
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